itsnotjustthewine

I knew from 15 years ago that I wasn’t a very good Christian.  I’m peepin these Facebook pages of the boy I went to prom with and chickies I was “bff” with briefly and they’re all Christ-like.  I am…. ha!…. not.  I’m sitting here now with a glass of bitchin Zenato Ripasso Valipocello right here in my hand in a Reidel after I just made Valentine’s dinner for a girlfriend of mine.  With my dog.  That is just about as narcissistic as it gets. 

I just don’t love boys.  They’re dumb.  It’s not a bad thing; there are really not a lot of awesome people in the world.  I’ve met a bunch and I don’t hate them.  They’re fun to play with and then I want to go home where it’s awesome and not ddk (dumb dumb kitty) AT ALL.  I hate it when most people are with me.  Most people just care about themselves.  But…. I’m no sociopath.  I love, like,.. 5 people.  At least….

Happy Fuckin Valentine’s Day. 

pastimes

Have I really been up for an hour now?  I turned down the heat at 4:30 a.m. knowing that my gas bill is gigantic, but it’s frickin cold outside.  I’ve reached the point, FINALLY, where I wish there was someone in my bed for comfort and cuddle over booty.  I thought I’d never get there.  I generally think boys are stinky - especially at night.  The farts, the snores, the breath, the lack of primo cuddle skills, but I’m getting there…… to the point of wanting love again. 

My love pump kinda went caput  I don’t know when.  I just stopped loving men one day.  Probably had something to do with Brian Coley.  Every guy after him has been a bust.  I’m trying to think of the last time I was simultaneously in love with someone else as they were in love with me.  It’s been years. 

So today, I should work out.  I should not look at the boy I made out with in Geology class.  I should do a gallon of homework and eat only good foods and plenty of them. 

Life is good.  Love is but a dream…

Things I am not in mood for today:  *being made/asked to feel guilt for any reason because I KNOW where my heart/mind/soul are *taking on more than I can control and since I don’t have a family that lives in my house I CAN DO THIS (Note on that statement:  I made hard choices that have allowed for this scenario; don’t judge me)

I am going to be honest and say that the anger I woke up with yesterday morning was ALMOST uncontrollable.  My dog, school, health and state of mind suffered greatly.  When someone is drowning and they pull you under, you can die.  I’m a lifeguard and this happened to me once.  Brandon Pride jumped off the diving board into the deep end when I was 17 and I went in to save him and his huge body suffocated me under the usually inviting waters of the swimming pool where we tanned and enjoyed ourselves.  I remember the day I almost died.  In panic, he pulled the only one under that rushed in to save his life and it took me a while to want to save anyone again.  I feel that way today.  DO NOT try to drown me.  I am not solid like a piece of land or secure like a tree.  I will try to help you and even, in some cases, save you from your pain and take on a bit of your pain and suffering onto my own shoulders in an effort to soothe you, but is this fair?  Should I?  I’m starting to grow cold as the more I drown for someone else I realize deeper to my core how wrong it is to do this.  I refuse to drown today.  Stop asking me to.  I am not rock solid nor have I ever claimed to be - especially today.  Let me breathe. 

There is a very sacred thing happening inside me and it’s touch-and-go.  I want to tell everyone to just let me breathe for a solid year alone so that I get the hang of it.  This is not too much to ask and everyone will benefit in the coming years, but today……… please,…. please.  I beg of you and everyone else.  Let me breathe. 

For the “first” time…

I’m not sure how many times you’ve watched a woman look at your things for the first time.  I’m sure you’ve watched a hundred heads toss hair to the side in order for you to see a glimpse of a figure dying for you to want her.  How many times you’ve told yourself the lie, “I won’t hurt her.  I just want to touch her right now.”  I wonder how many times you thought SHE in all of her offerings of body, sex and soul - you downed her blessings by calling her insecure when it’s YOU that takes without asking yourself, “Have I taken something that isn’t mine?” 

I just want to be close.  I’m not sure what that means to me right now.  I’m not sure if I’m safe near anyone or vice versa. 

I miss you though.  We’ll call you “Safe” for lack of a better name.  I miss Safe. 

social distortion

I am most happy when I am alone.  By that I mean, I came to my parents’ house without a boyfriend and with the mindset that I’m single… still.  My fam will just have to deal with it and the usual questions are become too usual and less annoying.  They really are.  As soon as I had a boyfriend recently and realized I didn’t want one that made me feel anything less than as good as I feel when I’m at home with my iced coffee painting and getting things done, then I was won over finally by myself.  I’ve been trying to be ok with being alone for so long.  Am I there?  Wow.  C’est possible.

This Thanksgiving I’m at my parents’ house, as I mentioned, but did I mention I’m drinking Wild Turkey Honey in my old bedroom of 10+ years ago and somewhat buzzing while the rest of my family is safely tucked in bed asleep and I’m typing away.  Thank God my mom has the computer in here…. my old room.  It’s weird.  There’s a twin bed in here and Vito has to sleep in the garage, but it’s all good!  haha…. I feel like a kid, but it’s cute.  It’s comforting to know there’s a place with my old kid books and pictures and a tiny bed that I can come to if Nashville gets too creepy or if my worries are too much even if they are beating the hell out of a Bible in the next room.

I am thankful for my independance, Jennifer Adams, my other friends, my life and my chances. I am invited on so many adventures everyday and it’s nice to keep them where I value them most…. close to my heart.  Happy Thanksgiving!