pastimes
Have I really been up for an hour now? I turned down the heat at 4:30 a.m. knowing that my gas bill is gigantic, but it’s frickin cold outside. I’ve reached the point, FINALLY, where I wish there was someone in my bed for comfort and cuddle over booty. I thought I’d never get there. I generally think boys are stinky - especially at night. The farts, the snores, the breath, the lack of primo cuddle skills, but I’m getting there…… to the point of wanting love again.
My love pump kinda went caput I don’t know when. I just stopped loving men one day. Probably had something to do with Brian Coley. Every guy after him has been a bust. I’m trying to think of the last time I was simultaneously in love with someone else as they were in love with me. It’s been years.
So today, I should work out. I should not look at the boy I made out with in Geology class. I should do a gallon of homework and eat only good foods and plenty of them.
Life is good. Love is but a dream…
Things I am not in mood for today: *being made/asked to feel guilt for any reason because I KNOW where my heart/mind/soul are *taking on more than I can control and since I don’t have a family that lives in my house I CAN DO THIS (Note on that statement: I made hard choices that have allowed for this scenario; don’t judge me)
I am going to be honest and say that the anger I woke up with yesterday morning was ALMOST uncontrollable. My dog, school, health and state of mind suffered greatly. When someone is drowning and they pull you under, you can die. I’m a lifeguard and this happened to me once. Brandon Pride jumped off the diving board into the deep end when I was 17 and I went in to save him and his huge body suffocated me under the usually inviting waters of the swimming pool where we tanned and enjoyed ourselves. I remember the day I almost died. In panic, he pulled the only one under that rushed in to save his life and it took me a while to want to save anyone again. I feel that way today. DO NOT try to drown me. I am not solid like a piece of land or secure like a tree. I will try to help you and even, in some cases, save you from your pain and take on a bit of your pain and suffering onto my own shoulders in an effort to soothe you, but is this fair? Should I? I’m starting to grow cold as the more I drown for someone else I realize deeper to my core how wrong it is to do this. I refuse to drown today. Stop asking me to. I am not rock solid nor have I ever claimed to be - especially today. Let me breathe.
There is a very sacred thing happening inside me and it’s touch-and-go. I want to tell everyone to just let me breathe for a solid year alone so that I get the hang of it. This is not too much to ask and everyone will benefit in the coming years, but today……… please,…. please. I beg of you and everyone else. Let me breathe.
